


The Chronicles of Roommates Peter Parker and Wade Wilson

by Satanlickmydick



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Spider-Man (Comicverse), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Canonverse (sort of), Comedy, Comicverse, Dirty Talk, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Dream Sex, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Hand Jobs, Hot Sex, Humor, M/M, Marvel Comics - Freeform, Maybe Smut Eventually?, Mild Descriptions of Violence (very mild), Peter has anger issues, Roommates, Sex Dreams, Smut, Wade being an asshole, Wade's terrible cooking, ah sweet domesticity, drug mention
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2018-05-13 20:29:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5716057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Satanlickmydick/pseuds/Satanlickmydick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of how Spideypool kinda become a thing?<br/>Deadpool and Spiderman are roommates. Is that a good idea? Probably not, but they did it anyway.<br/>What could possible go wrong?<br/>(Includes: cringey pop culture references, unhealthy communication mechanisms, and kinky shit.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Of Cocaine and Taylor Swift

**Author's Note:**

> Writing shitty fanfics is my kink.

“Wade! Goddammit Wade!” Peter shouted as he picked up bloody and shredded pieces of red cloth from the hallway leading to the bathroom. Of course, Wade probably couldn’t hear him as Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off” was blasting from inside.  
“Wade!” Peter shouted as he slammed a fist on the door. He groaned and opened the door.  
“CUZ THE HATER’S GONNA HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE! AND THE FAKERS GONNA FAKE-” Wade stood in the middle of their small bathroom, covered in a fine white powder and bright red blood, his back- well, his butt, to the door. A huge slit ran from the middle of his right shoulder to his left hip. Most of his spine, ribs and muscle visible through it. He was completely naked and dancing along with the beat. Peter slapped a hand over his eyes as he grabbed Wade’s phone to turn down the music.  
“Wade please tell me that’s powdered sugar.” Peter groaned as he dropped the bloody red fabric into the sink already filled with blood soaked cloth.  
Wade turned around with all his pride and glory hanging out.  
“Sure, Spidey. If that’s what the kids are calling Cocaine these days.” He said, placing his hands on his scarred hips and grinning.  
“Wade! I swear to god if you get me arrested-” Peter complained.  
“Don’t get your panties in a twist.” Wade said as he sauntered past Peter and out of the bathroom. “It’s barely a half pound.” He claimed as he walked toward his bedroom.  
Peter removed his hand from his eyes and stood in shock at the bathroom door.  
“Don’t leave your bloody uniform all over the apartment next time!” Peter shouted at Wade as he shut his bedroom door.  
“Freaking Deadpool…” Peter muttered as he stormed into the bathroom to clean Wade’s mess.


	2. Of Pokemon and Pizza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter sends Wade out for Pizza so he can relax.

Peter sat on the couch, a cool washcloth over his eyes and a warm water bag over his right inner thigh.  
It was days like this when Peter appreciated the quiet. When his thoughts were calm and he could hear his breath. Just me, myself and-  
“SPIDEY!”  
Wade Wilson.  
Peter could feel a headache forming already. He pulled the washcloth off his face and placed it on the sidetable next to him.  
“Yes?” He asked, sitting up.  
“So,” Wade walked over to the couch excitedly and sat next to Peter, throwing his legs up on top of Peter’s, he winces as Wade’s calf pressed against the bruise forming on his inner thigh. (In retrospect, drunkenly swinging from the empire building on a dare was not such a great idea. But hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks.) “I was out picking up pizza for us like you asked, when I saw this kid in the restaurant playing a videogame on whatever those things are called. And it had this cute little purple creature and he was just walking round this town battling other little kids and stealing their money and capturing more of these little shits. So of course I was like “kid what the hell is that” and he said it was a Nintendo three DS and he was playing a game called Po-kay-man. So I want to the video game store and got us one!” Wade then pulled a red 3DS out of a Gamestop shopping bag.  
Peter just stared at him.  
“Where’s the pizza?” He asked.  
“The wha?”  
“the pizza? You know, the one I sent you out to get two hours ago?” Peter replied with a very unsatisfied bitchface.  
“Oh I gave it to the video game guy to get a discount.” Wade replied as he turned the game on.  
“Wade… how much did that cost?”  
“Oh he said I got a really good price, it was only three hundred bucks.” Wade responded proudly.  
Peter could feel an aneurism coming.   
“That- That’s half our rent.” Peter said in disbelief.  
“Well what’s rent compared to Po-kay-man?” Wade smirked.  
“It’s Po-KEY-MON!” Peter shouted.  
“Oh, so you do know what it is!” Wade said.  
“Yes! And I also know that you are the most unbelievable IDIOT I have EVER met!” Peter shouted, standing up and throwing the hot water bag at Wade’s face.  
Wade just sat there, staring at Peter with a smile as the water bag flopped into his lap.  
Peter sighed. “Gimme that, you have your team set up all wrong, if you want to beat the elite four in this game, you need at least one fire type.” He said sitting down next to the older man.  
“YAY!” Wade exclaimed, handing over the toy to the brunette.


	3. Of Coffee and Clumsiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A typical morning in the Wilson-Parker household. Or... maybe not.

Wade stumbled into the kitchen looking for the source of the sweet scent that was black coffee.  
“Finally up?”  
“Too early for speech. Must. Coffee.” Wade muttered, eyes half closed still, fumbling around the cabinets for a mug.  
“Wade, it’s 12:30 in the afternoon.” Peter smirked.  
“It’s six a.m. somewhere.” Wade yawned as he poured the hot drink into his mug (unsuccessfully might I add as half of it ended up on the counter and floor).  
“What were you doing all last night anyway?” Peter asked as he finished editing the latest picture of Spiderman for the bugle on his tablet.  
“Watching Porn.” Wade deadpanned, leaning his hip against the counter. “You know me, can’t sate the hunger that burns in my loins.”  
“You were watching Legend of Korra all night, weren’t you?”  
“Why can’t Korra and Asami just realize that they’re meant for each other!?” Wade squealed (and yes, squealed is the accurate description of the noise he made.)  
Peter chuckled. “Not everything turns out the way we want it to Wade.” He said, closing the cover of his tablet and walking over to deposit his dirty lunch plate into the sink. “But I think you’ll be happy with the ending of season three.” He added, right before he slipped on Wade’s spilled coffee and fell directly into the mutant, successfully depositing them both onto the floor, Peter on top Wade.  
Peter reoriented his vision and he was faced with Wade’s smirk.  
“If you wanted to be ontop of me, Spidey, you could’ve just said.”  
Peter felt Wade’s arms wrapped around his hips. Their faces were less than a pencil’s width apart.  
“I- “ Peter stuttered.  
Wade just smiled up at him.  
“Let me go.” He feebly demanded, his voice cracking, Wade’s arms slid away and Peter pushed himself up and off Wade’s chest.  
His strong, firm, toned chest.  
Wait, what?  
“I’m- I-” Peter stammed. “I have work to do.” He bowed his head and quickly walked out of the room.  
“Okay, weirdo.” Wade called after him.


	4. Of Aftershave and Peeping Toms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade is not very good at problem solving.

Wade felt like Peter was avoiding him.  
Why would anyone avoid him, the cute and lovable Wade Wilson!  
Maybe it was the fact that he left his dirty underwear in the living room again?  
No that can’t be it, he does that all the time and Pete never seems to care.  
He hasn’t broken anything of Peter’s recently…  
Well, it seemed like the only way to find out was to be brutally honest and confront Peter at his most vulnerable time. That seemed logical right?  
Wade snuck into the bathroom while Peter was in the shower and sat on the toilet, quietly waiting for Peter to finish.  
Peter usually took about fifteen minutes in the shower and he had already been in there for thirteen. (Yes, Wade counted) So he figured he wouldn’t take much longer.  
But then…  
“Ah..”  
Wade heard a little gasp from inside their little shower cubicle.  
What was that?  
“Ah… yes…” Peter gasped again.  
Was Peter-? Oh this was too good! Wade stifled a laugh.  
“Fuck!”  
Wade was seriously on the verge of tears from laughter. Pure, innocent Spider-Man jacking off in the shower!  
“Ah, ah, ah-!”  
Okay… This was starting to get weird. Wade kinda felt a little bit bad now, invading Peter’s personal time like this maybe he should just leav-  
“Wade!-” Came another stifled cry.  
Oh shit. At first Wade thought he had been caught, Peter at heard him, but then… Wade heard a sigh from the shower.  
Did Peter....  
Cry Wade’s name…  
As he… came…?  
Well crap.  
This just made things ten times more complicated.  
Okay, he should leave now right? Just run, get the hell out of dodge, okay yeah, good plan.  
But then the water shut off.  
‘SHIT ON A FUCKING STICK’ Wade thought. Just great. This was all bound to play out fabulously.  
The curtain slid open and out of the shower stepped a wet and very naked Peter Parker.  
Peter stared at Wade in shock.  
“Um, hi?” Wade smiled awkwardly.  
“What the hell are you doing in here!?” Peter shouted, then he realized that he was, in fact, naked. He quickly grabbed a towel off the rack and wrapped it around his waist.  
“I-” Wade rubbed the back of his neck.  
Peter’s eyes suddenly widened, realizing- “How long have you been sitting there?!”  
“Not long! A minute! Less! I came in to look for…. uh…” He grabbed the first thing off the sink he found. “Aftershave?”  
“You don’t have facial hair!” Peter shouted yet again.  
“I-”  
“GET OUT!” Peter screamed at the top of his lungs.  
“Okay, but I-”  
“OUT!” Peter shoved him out and slammed the door in his face.  
“Shit.” Wade muttered.


	5. Of Ignored Texts and Kidnapping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you apologize to someone after peeping on them in the shower? Obviously by text bombing them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cameo from our fave old man, robin hood and a slightly annoyed Russian.

Peter hadn’t been back to the apartment in three days. Making this the longest he has ever been gone without contacting Wade.  
(Save for that time he was kidnapped by Sandman. Wade was deep on a Netfix binge that week, hence why it took him so long to realize Pete was gone.)  
Wade was getting a little worried. I mean, sure he messed up but, the least Pete could do was shove him out a window or something… just end the silence already!  
He sent another text to Peter.  
>Wade: Spidey come on.  
>Wade: I’m sorry  
>Wade: I’ve already said it like a million times  
>Wade: just answer my damn texts  
>Wade: just so i know you weren’t kidnapped again  
>Wade: spidey  
>Wade: spiiiiiiiiiideyyyyyyyyyy

Wade sighed and rested his head on the back of the couch. He could try to find Pete. He can’t have gone far.

“You can’t stay here forever Peter.”  
“What? Are you kicking me out?” Peter said panicked.  
“No,” Steve smiled. “It’s just that avoiding someone is not going to fix things.” He said sitting across the table from the other superhero.  
“But he’s such an idiot!” Peter groaned, letting his head fall onto the table.  
“As someone who has tried to arrest Deadpool multiple times, I know.” Steve assured. “What did he do anyway?” Steve questioned.  
“Don’t wanna talk about it.” Peter muttered into the table.

“Listen, just give the nice man to me and I won’t blow your freakin’ brains out.” Wade said.  
The men pointing their guns to the head of the man tied up on the ground laughed.  
“You and what army?” One of the men said in a heavy Russian accent.  
“I was waiting for you to ask that.” Wade replied. Suddenly one of the eight men fell to the ground, the rest panicked and started shouting in Russian and firing their guns behind Wade.  
“Wha-!” Wade exclaimed. He looked around and saw two dark figures running through the alley. One firing… Arrows? at the men and the other just knocking them down with pure skill. The men started firing at Wade as they could not see nor hit the two shadows.   
A bullet found its way to Wade’s liver.  
“Ow! Fuck! Why are you shooting at me I’m not the one attacking you!” He shouted.  
Suddenly a bag was thrown over Wade’s head and he was being bound by thick ropes.  
“Hey! If you’re into bondage at least set up a safe word!” Wade shouted again.  
It went silent. Except for the pleading voice of a man in Russian.  
“Заткнись , мудак.” Came a woman’s voice. Then a yelp and it was quiet.  
“Look, I won’t be mad if you killed those guys, just untie me and we can go talk it out over some burritos.” Wade said to… whoever was there.   
Then it went black.


	6. Of Doorknobs and Handjobs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade finds out who his captors are.

When Wade woke up it was still black. So he assumed there was still a bag over his head. The only thing different was that instead of being tied up on the ground, he was tied up on a chair. A comfy one too, what is that? Butt padding? Classy.  
“Um, hey, not that I’m not enjoying this, because I am, I’m just wondering why I was, y’know, kidnapped in the first place. Not that you don’t have a good reason because I’m sure you do, it’s just that a gal’s gotta know am I right?” Wade said.  
Just then a door opened.  
“What’s going on?” Came a guy’s voice. “Is that-? Are you kidding me? Really?” Was that… Peter?  
“Just talk to him, you moping around is starting to bum everyone out.” Came the voice of the woman who spoke Russian in the alley. Then the door shut.  
“Spidey? That you?” Wade spoke happily. “Hey untie me would ya? I’m getting serious rope burn.”  
“Yeah, I’m not doing this. Nice try Natasha.” A door knob wiggled. “Natasha?” More wiggling of the door knob. “Let me out Nat!” There was banging on the door.  
“Instead of beating that door up maybe you could untie me.” Wade asked again.  
Silence.  
“NATASHA!” More banging.  
“Spideeeeeeeeeey.” Wade whined.  
“Fine.” Peter groaned.  
The bag on Wade’s head was pulled off and before him was a plain old study. a simple desk, some bookshelves, a lamp, and of course Peter. In a green hoodie and jeans. Peter untied Wade’s hands from the arms of the chair and left wade to undo his legs.  
“Thanks! Uh, where am I?” Wade asked.  
“Avengers Tower.” Peter said, coldly, sitting down in the chair across the desk from Wade.  
“So that’s where you ran away to.” Wade smirked.  
“I did not run away!” Peter voiced firmly.  
“Alright, fine. ‘Hid’ then.” Wade rolled his eyes.  
“Ohmygod.” Peter sighed and stood up walking over to the door.  
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.”  
“That was not cool Wade! I’m not you, I don’t like to be naked in front of everyone!” Peter exclaimed, stepping closer to Wade (intending to intimidate him).  
“Obviously.” Wade muttered. Peter ran a hand down his face.  
“Just respect my space, okay?” Peter snipped.  
“Well considering we live in a shoebox, I’ll try.” Wade replied.  
Peter stood there for a second and turned to leave, but then stopped and turned back around.  
“Oh, and, what you heard in the bathroom… I wasn’t- I didn’t-”  
“You didn’t what?” Wade smirked.  
“I wasn’t, y’now. It wasn’t-” Peter stammered.  
“What do you think I heard, Peter?”  
“I wasn’t jacking off okay?” Peter demanded.  
“Oh? And you didn’t say my name when you jizzed?” Wade pressed.  
Peter’s face froze.  
“No. I-” Then suddenly Wade slid his knees in between Peter’s, since he was standing so close to Wade, and grabbed his hips, pulling opening his legs and pulling him down onto his lap.  
“Because I think you did.” He said slyly.  
Peter gulped. “I-”  
“You what? What is it you want?”  
Peter was quiet, in complete shock.  
Wade brought his uniform-clad hands to the button of Peter’s jeans.  
“Tell me to stop.” Wade said, it wasn’t a dare. It was more like a question. He was asking permission.  
Peter closed his eyes and breathed.  
Wade undid the button and zipper.  
“Do you ever think about me? When you do this to yourself?”  
Peter gasped as Wade’s hand slid inside his jeans.  
“Have you ever imagined this? My hand in your pants? ‘Cuz I have.”  
Peter was getting lightheaded, this was too much. Wade wasn’t his… type. Wade was rude and vulgar and violent.  
So why was this so fucking hot?  
Wade ran his hand up Peter’s clothed dick. He let out a little sigh and let his head fall on Wade’s shoulder, his hands coming up to grip Wade’s muscular upper arms.  
“You gonna hold on tight?” Wade whispered into his ear. Peter needed more. He lifted his hips up and tried to get some friction against Wade.  
“Impatient?” Wade smirked. He slipped his gloved fist into Peter’s boxers.  
Peter held his breath in anticipation. Then Wade wrapped his fist around the base of Peter’s dick and jerked up slowly.  
“Ah-!” Peter gasped. Wade did it again, and again. Peter started moaning, he couldn’t hold it in, he bit down hard on Wade’s uniformed shoulder.  
“Gonna give me a spider bite?” Wade practically growled. He started going faster, twisting here and there, running his thumb over the slit.  
“Ah… yes… Wade!” Peter panted and moaned. “More… please…” He begged.  
“You’re close.” Wade stated as he continued.  
Peter nodded his head furiously.  
Wade moved his other hand from Peter’s hip up to the back of his neck, he grabbed the tuft of hair at the base a tugged, Peter’s eyes shot open and widened as he was forced to look at Wade’s masked face.  
“Come for me.” Wade whispered.  
“I- ah! Wade!” Peter exclaimed as he threw his head back and released all over Wade’s glove and his boxers. Wade fisted him through his orgasm.  
When Peter finished, his head dropped down to Wade’s shoulder and he panted, trying to catch his breath.  
Wade took his hand out of Peter’s pants and wiped his hand on his thigh.  
Peter took a deep breath and pulled his head up.  
He looked at Wade.  
“Hi.” Wade smirked.  
Peter’s eyes widened and he suddenly stood up and backed away from Wade.  
“Shit!” He started frantically buttoning his pants. “I shouldn’t have done that.” He ran over to the door and tried to open it and it was still locked.  
“Dammit!” He pulled the knob off the door using his spider strength and pushed open the door, running out.  
Wade sat in shock.  
He eventually stood up and slowly left the room. He walked down the hallway and into a large living space. He saw none other than the Russian assassin Natasha Romanov on the couch, reading… The Help?  
“How’d it go?” She asked without looking up from her book. “Peter just ran out, he didn’t tell me anything.”  
“Uh…” Wade said.  
“Did you guys fix whatever the problem was?” She asked.  
“Uh, define ‘fix’?” Wade asked.  
Natasha sighed.


	7. Of Hot Dogs and Villains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Again, beware the awful rom-com trope!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um I got super tired midway through writing this so if it sucks or feels rushed towards the end that's why.  
> I suck at writing fight scenes. And Smut. And dialogue. Okay I suck at writing in general.

“Thanks, and keep the change!” Wade said as he handed the shocked civilian (whom he promised to give twenty bucks to if they told him where they saw spiderman headed) a crumpled fifty.  
Peter liked to swing around the city when he was upset.  
So it was time to suit up and go on a Spider hunt.   
And there was one place Spidey always stopped after a midnight swing.  
Papa’s Dog’s.  
As he opened the door to the roof of the building that Papa’s Dog’s resided, he saw a red and blue clad Peter, sitting on the edge of the roof eating his usual hot dog with extra relish, mustard and just a bit of sauerkraut.   
“Get me one?” He spoke up.  
Peter turned around with his mask just above his nose.  
“What are you doing here? He groaned.  
“Well, Spidey,” Wade said as he walked over and sat on the ledge next to Peter. “Rent’s due in two days and as you can recall I spent most of my cash on a video game.”  
“Goddammit Wade.” Peter sighed. “Why can’t you just be a normal person and do normal people things!? Like-” And that was when they heard screaming, and explosion, and car alarms.  
“Oh great.” Peter groaned as he pulled the mask down and threw the hot dog aside. “You gonna help?” He turned to Wade.  
Wade shrugged and watched as Peter jettisoned a web and swung off the roof in the direction of the noise. Wade jumped from the roof’s ledge down to the fire escape and followed on foot. (Okay maybe he stole a car or two but he’s not as fast as the webbed wonder!)  
When the two got to the scene, they saw a couple cars flipped over and some rubble strewn about. Doc Oc was there swatting police officers away in an attempt to break into the entrance of what looked like a bank.  
“Deadpool! Distract him so I can get close and restrict his arms using my webbing!” Peter shouted as he ran towards the chaos.  
“You got it boss!” Wade saluted him and followed. “Time to get out the toys.” Wade pulled two guns from his holsters and started firing at the Doc.  
“Hey! Asshole! Why don’t you stop messing around with the easy targets and try to squash someone a little more interesting!” He shouted.  
Doc Oc turned a glared at Wade.  
“Ah! The Mercenary! I’ve heard of you.” He said, moving closer.  
“Oh good, well then you know I’m indestructible.” Wade smirked.   
“Indestructible huh? Let’s see how you feel when I rip you limb from limb!” The Doctor launched himself at Wade who did a backflip to avoid him but was caught by the ankle by one of Doc’s tentacles. He fired at the guy while upside down but since he was being shaken all around, he didn’t exactly have the best angle.   
“Hey spidey! Now would be a could time to come to the rescue!” Wade shouted.  
And cue the webbed wonder.  
Spiderman cam swinging in a knocked Doc to his side, which made him release Wade, falling into a rope of web set up by Peter. This tangled two of his tentacles, but Doc Oc got up quickly, and chased after the two. They ran into the damaged bank.   
“Now what!” Peter shouted.  
“Hide?” Wade shrugged.  
Peter glared at him.  
“I don’t know! You’re the genius!” Wade said.  
“Wait! That’s it!” Peter exclaimed.  
“What’s it?”   
“Give me one of your guns.” Peter demanded.  
“Whoa okay I know I’m not the easiest to work with but you don’t have to shoot me.”  
“Wade!”  
“Okay! Okay!” Wade said as he handed over a gun.  
“Now hide!” Peter said, pushing Wade into a nearby storage closet. A small one at that.  
As they closed the door to the closet, they heard Doc Oc crash into the bank.  
“Where are you!?” They heard him shout. “Come on out! I just want to talk!” He laughed madly. They heard crashing as he searched the now empty bank.  
Peter got to work on the gun as Wade shifted uncomfortable behind him.  
It was a very, VERY small closet. So small that the only way the two of them fit was if Peter’s back was flush against Wade’s front, whose back was pressed against the wall.  
“Okay so if I just- Wade…?” Peter stopped.  
“Uh… yeah?” Wade said, as his face flushed under his mask.  
“Please tell me that’s a knife that I’m feeling right now.” Peter said.  
“Um…”  
“Are you kidding me!? Right now!?” Peter whisper-yelled.  
“Okay, first of all, my adrenaline is running and I’m human so kill me for having urges, second of all I’m not the only one who gets hard ons at weird times y’know!” Wade defended.  
Peter groaned. “Whatever. Just stay quiet.”  
“Yep. Dead silent.” Wade replied. Peter continued to work on the gun as fast as he could.  
“Um, Spidey?”  
“What?” Peter snapped.  
“Could you- stop wiggling around?”  
“I swear to god Wade.”  
“Yeah, no, okay, got it.”  
Another few seconds went by.  
“Spidey-”  
“Wade I mean it.”  
“Uh-huh…”  
Another few seconds went by of Peter tinkering with the gun.  
“Uh… Spi-”  
“Wade I swear if you interrupt me one more time-!”  
“Peter-!” Wade groaned.  
And they both went silent.  
“Did… Did you just…” Peter stammered.  
“Uh…”  
“On my ASS?”   
Silence.  
“During a FIGHT?”  
Wade rubbed the back of his neck.  
“Ok, that’s it! Take the damn gun, shoot him in the leg, then wrap up his other legs.” Peter demanded, shoving the gun back to Wade.  
“Wha-?”  
“I’ll keep him distracted.” Peter then opened the door and ran out. “Hey Doc! Looking for us?!” He shouted.  
Wade looked at the gun in his hands then shrugged. He ran out following Peter. He watched as he drew the Doc away from him and help up the gun so he could aim.   
Fire.  
The bullet went perfectly into one of the Doc’s tentacles, leaving a trail of web from it to the gun barrel.  
“Ohhhhh.” Wade understood now. He ran around the Doc, entangling the rest of his tentacles in the webbing, he fell and was unable to get back up.  
Peter swung down from where he landed on the ceiling and stood next to Wade.”Nice.” He said.  
Cops then came rushing in to take the Doc away.  
All Peter wanted was to go home and SLEEP now.


	8. Of Pancakes and Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter has difficulty discerning reality from dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't even know anymore enjoy this load of poop

“Wade!” Peter moaned as Wade Wilson, fully suited as Deadpool, had Peter in his Spidey uniform pressed against a brick wall and sucked at his neck, their masks pushed just above their noses. “Yes!” Peter whined. Peter’s costume had also been slightly undone in the back and was shrugged down past his shoulder.  
Deadpool’s leg moved in between Peter’s and he started rubbing, creating friction in all the right places. He let out a whine as Deadpool starting biting at the sensitive skin under Peter’s jawbone.  
“Where else do you want me to touch you?” Deadpool asked.  
“Everywhere!” Peter gasped and let his head fall back against the cool brick.   
Deadpool began undoing Peter’s spidey costume more, rubbing little circles whenever new skin was exposed.  
“I’m gonna get this pristine skin so dirty you’ll have to use a power hose to clean you off.”  
Peter groaned and pushed his hips towards the bigger man.  
“Please!” He moaned loudly and Deadpool took that as an invitation to rub his dick through his blue and red spandex. Peter was so turned on he thought he was gonna explode.  
“Petey I’m makin’ pancakes you want any?” Peter heard vaguely. It sounded like Deadpool but it couldn’t be since Deadpool was currently sucking a hickey on Peter’s chest.  
“They’re chocolate chip!”   
Suddenly Peter sat up in bed, practically drenched in sweat. He looked around, he was in his bed in his room at the apartment.   
It was a dream. Just a dream. He didn’t actually get groped by Wade Wilson in an alley.  
He didn’t know wether to be relieved or disappointed.  
No, he was relieved, obviously, why would he want to make out with Wade?  
He went to get out of bed but realized there was an awkward wet spot in the crotch of his pants.  
Well at least he didn’t have to deal with morning wood.  
He changed his pants and walked out into the kitchen to the smell of burnt batter and coffee.  
“Hey! Pete, just in time I made about four dozen but most of them are some form of burnt but that just adds character!” Wade said cheerfully as he turned from the stove with a heap of half black pancakes.  
Peter walked past him and poured a cup of coffee. He sat in one of the stool and yawned.  
“So about yesterday-”  
“No talking.” Peter said, groggily.  
“It’s just-”  
“No. Talking.” Peter repeated as he got up and walked over to the couch and picked up the remote.  
“Okay but how about-” Wade started.  
“I swear to god.” Peter growled.  
“Ok so I’m just gonna be.. over… here…” Wade said slowly walking back to the kitchen.

 

Peter decided that the coffee wasn’t doing anything so we went back to sleep in his room. It was sunday, excuse him for trying to get some extra sleep.   
He woke up again presumably a few hours later, his mouth was dry so he got up to get some water. All the lights in the apartment were off. His eyes were still wonky from sleep, and Peter wasn’t completely sure if he was still dreaming, it didn’t matter, he probably WAS anyway.  
He went into the bathroom and the small nightlight plugged into the wall slightly illuminated Wade in his underwear pouring a white powder down the drain.  
Peter just stared at him, face emotionless.  
“Just getting rid of the last of the Cocaine!” Wade smiled.  
“Ugh.” Peter groaned and went to turn around to go into the kitchen for his water but Wade suddenly spoke up.  
“I’m sorry, Pete.” Came Wade’s voice. Wow, Wade apologizing, this had to be a dream.  
“I crossed a line and EVEN THOUGH I totally couldn’t help it, it was still uncool.”  
Peter just blinked unaffected.  
“I said I’m sorry.” Wade repeated. “Are you still gonna be a little bitch about it and-”  
“Oh my god why won’t you just SHUT UP.” Peter groaned. “What do I have to do to get you to be quiet?!” Peter complained.  
“Haha, Kiss me?” Wade joked, which wasn’t an odd joke for Wade to make, he said shit like that all the time. But Peter figured since this was a dream, his actions didn’t have consequences so he was free to do as he liked.  
“Fine.” Peter said.  
“Wait, wha-” Wade started but was cut off by Peter’s mouth pressing on his own. Peter pressed him back against the sink and slotted their hips together and his tongue slid into Wade’s mouth.  
Wade has never responded so enthusiastically to anything in his life. He kissed Peter back with all he had and grabbed him by the hips.   
They stayed like that against the sink for a few minutes, fervently making out and grinding against each other. Wade groaning louder than Peter would expect and Peter enthusiastically biting and groping more than Wade would expect. Suddenly, Wade pulled away.  
“Okay, not that I’m not loving this, and not that Little Wade isn’t happy to see you, but, uh… what’re you doing?” Wade was, a bit confused, not that he minded being confused, hell he was usually confused, but this was just… confusing?  
“Shutting you up.” Peter stated. Before turning to leave the bathroom.  
Wade stood there, just kind of… staring at the doorway for a minute.  
“Um… okay?” He said quietly before going back to dumping cocaine down the sink drain, albeit much more on his mind than before.


	9. Of Conversations and Propositions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter presents Wade with an opportunity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some of you may be asking, "Where is this story going?"  
> well you're asking the wrong person cuz i have no goddamn clue.

Peter groggily slouched into the kitchen to the smell of coffee and burnt eggs.  
Wade sat at the counter, next to a plate of black scrambled eggs and a piping hot cup of joe. Peter stared at him for a second.  
“Why do you keep trying to make me breakfast?” Peter sighed as he grabbed the coffee and took a sip, it wasn’t actually that bad.  
“You’re more approachable when you’re fed and caffeinated.” Wade replied.  
“Wow, thanks.” The superhero deadpanned.  
There was a second of silence.  
“This is an intervention!” Wade spoke quickly.  
Peter raised his brows. “Excuse me?”  
“You heard me.” The other man grumbled.  
“An intervention for what?” The brunette asked.  
“Because you keep doing weird things and I’m really confused!” Wade practically whined.  
“Me!? You’re the one who does weird shit all the time! Name one weird or confusing thing I’ve done.” Peter demanded as he crossed his arms over his chest.  
“Well for starters you let me jack you off.” Wade reminded him shamelessly.  
Peter went red. “You initiated that!” He squeaked.  
“Ah! Yes, Wade! More, please!” Wade mocked.  
“I didn’t say that!” Peter insisted.  
“That was a direct quote.” The mutant replied.  
Peter just stared down into his cup angrily.  
“And then there was that whole thing in the bathroom last night...” Wade pressed on.  
Peter’s eyes went wide and he looked up at Wade. “What thing?” He demanded.  
“Do you not remember the make out session against the sink? ‘Cuz you started that one, Spidey.”  
Peter’s stomach dropped. “I thought that was a dream.” He rasped.  
“Do you dream about kissing me often?” Wade teased.  
“Oh my god, can you not be an asshole for like five seconds!” Peter exclaimed. “I didn’t know that was real!”  
“So let me see if I understand. You saw me almost naked and decided you were dreaming so you thought kissing me would be the next logical step in that chain of events?” Wade clarified.  
Peter grit his teeth.   
“Oh yeah, no, sounds totally reasonable. I mean, hey, if it was _my_ dream, your ass would still be sore.” He continued.  
Peter clenched his fists against the coffee mug, not realizing how hard he was grasping until the ceramic shattered and hot coffee spilled all over his torso.  
“Shit, Pete, are you _that_ sexually repressed?” The mercenary chuckled.  
Peter took a deep breath and dropped his hands to his side, looking up at Wade with a scarily calm expression.  
“Wade,” Peter started coolly, and the tone he used was unsettling, it gave Wade the chills. “I’m going to give you an opportunity.” He went on. “I’m going to go to my room now, take off this gross shirt, and wait for you. If you’re not there in five minutes, I’m going to lock the door and go back to sleep and you will never talk about _any_ of this ever again.” Peter pushed off of the counter where he leaned and started to walk out of the kitchen. Wade sat open mouthed in shock.   
Before Peter left the room, he stopped and turned back around. “And if you do decide to come, bring the bottle of lube I know you keep in your dresser.”  
Then he was gone and Wade heard a door close softly.  
Wade was pretty sure he was just hallucinated.


	10. This Is The Chapter Where They Fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is pretty self-explanitory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet all you fuckers thought i abandoned this fic. Well PSYCH i’m just super fucking inconsistent!  
> Anyway, enjoy some fucking porn cuz why not

_Get your ass in there, Wilson!_ Came the ever nagging thoughts in Wade’s brain.  
He was frozen where he sat at the counter, in shock at Web-head’s little proposition.  
Should he take him up on the offer?   
Every part of Wade’s body was saying yes except for his brain, that fucking annoying little organ.  
Fucking Parker would surely have some adverse effect on their relationship, right?  
He glanced at the clock above the stove, he had three minutes left on Peter’s imaginary fuck-me timer.  
Screw it, he’s wanted to fuck Spidey for as long as he could remember and obviously the kid wanted it too as evidenced by, well, every fucking interaction they’ve had recently.  
He got up and walked (sprinted) to his room and grabbed his little (big) bottle of lube.  
He walked down the hall and stood in Peter’s doorframe.  
Peter turned around from where he stood half naked next to his hamper, dropping the coffee-soaked shirt inside.  
“So... “ Wade started, but before he could even get out a complete sentence, Peter was pressing him against the wall and shoving his tongue into Wade’s mouth. He grabbed onto the pert roundness of Peter’s ass and squeezed as hiss hand came up to grab at the back of Wade’s neck.  
He pressed his thigh in between the smaller man’s legs where he could feel his hard on.  
Peter groaned into Wade’s mouth and started grinding his hips down against Wade’s leg.  
Suddenly Peter pulled their mouths apart. Wade stood in panic thinking maybe Peter was taking back his offer. But instead he grabbed the front of Wade’s shirt and pushed him onto the bed then climbed on top of him.  
“Take off your shirt.” Peter demanded, and who was Wade to deny him? So his shirt came off and Peter started kissing him again.  
As they made out furiously, the pants and underwear that separated them somehow came off.  
Peter started grinding their dicks together, accompanied by breathy moans against Wade’s neck.  
“Where’s the lube?” Peter asked. Wade grabbed the lube from where it sat forgotten about on the comforter. He glanced up at Peter.  
“You gonna just stare or are you gonna finger me?” The younger man quipped.  
“Don’t get mouthy with me Parker, or I’ll make this hell for you.” Wade smirked.  
“What are you gonna do? Finger me for ages until I’m all sweaty and needy and so close and then you’d take ‘em away? Then what? You’d fuck me til my prostate was all sore and oversensitive and I was begging to cum? Or tie me up so I couldn’t touch myself while you pounded me into this mattress til I was a mess, making me come on your cock? Is that what you're gonna do, Wade?” Peter had this shit-eating look on his face, looking down at Wade as he continued to gyrate his hips.  
Wade was ridiculously hard and all he wanted to do was shove his dick into Spidey’s ass and make him scream.  
But patience is key in this little game they were playing.  
“Oh you’ve done it now, Web-head.” Wade growled as he flipped them over and gripped Peter’s wrists together above his head, pinning them down against the mattress. He had this glint in his eye, like this is exactly what he was baiting Wade to do.  
Wade popped the cap on the lube and slicked a finger up, he pressed it slowly into Peter, making him groan.  
“More.” He spoke adamantly.  
“Gotta take it slow, baby boy.” Wade chastised. Peter didn’t like that answer and responded by thrusting his hips down on Wade’s finger.  
“More.” He demanded again, firmly. Wade chuckled and quickly thrust a second finger in without warning. Peter gasped in shock.  
“Oh yeah,” Came a drawn out moan from the boy as Wade scissored his two fingers inside Peter, dragging them out slowly then pushing them back in. Wade brushed up against Peter’s prostate as he slid a third finger in, this was greeted by an enthusiastic groan as he threw his head back.  
“Wade!” Peter gasped as the fingering continued.  
“What do you need, baby?” Wade whispered as he leaned down to suck at Peter’s neck. Suddenly, Peter pushed up against Wade and flipped them over, he sat in triumph on top of him.  
“My turn.” Peter stated as he grabbed the lube and started getting Wade’s dick slick with it. Wade let out a groan as Peter stroked him.  
Slowly, Peter lowered himself onto Wade. Both of them moaning from the sensation. Peter’s nails dug into Wade’s chest as he began to fuck himself on Wade's cock.  
He started slow, but once the pace picked up, Wade’s hand grasped as Peter’s hips tight enough to leave bruises that would last for at least a few days.  
Wade’s head was spinning as Peter rode him, not a single thought came into his head other than “Fuck, fuck, fuck, oh god yesssss”  
“I never knew that all I needed to do to get you to shut up was fuck you.” Peter said. And normally Wade would come up with some snarky remark to throw back at Peter but the way this kid was grinding down and the feeling of him around Wade was just too good so he just stayed silent and thrust his hips up to meet Peter’s.  
As the fucking went on, Peter became sloppy and his rhythm became erratic, Wade knew he was getting close so he pulled Peter down onto him once more and flipped them over again.  
He pulled out and slammed back in especially rough, making Peter moan like crazy.  
“Fuck! Wade, yes!” He shouted. Wade took this as encouragement so he started fucking into Peter as fast and rough as he could.  
“Wade! Wade! Fuuuuuuck!” Peter was squirming and moaning and shouting Wade’s name and goddamn if it wasn’t the hottest fucking thing he had ever seen or heard in his entire life.  
One of Peter’s hand stroked his dick and the other was curled up tightly in the bedsheet as if to keep him grounded.  
Wade bit his lip as he thrust in and out, his grip on Peter’s hips tightening impossibly.  
Oh yeah, that was gonna bruise. But Peter didn’t seem to care as his head was thrown back onto the bed and his back was arched and his face just looked so fucking blissed out.  
Wade let his head drop beside Peter’s.  
“Let go, baby boy, I know you’re close.” Wade whispered.  
And Wade’s hot breath on Peter’s neck was the straw that broke the camel’s back because with a final stroke he was screaming as he came all over both of their abdomens.  
Wade fucked Peter through his orgasm and the way Peter clenched against Wade’s cock was so fucking good and tight that he came inside him.  
Wade was pretty sure he blacked out, but when he came to, they were lying next to each other on the bed. Sweaty and sticky and sore and panting to catch their breath.  
“Holy fuck.” Peter breathed.  
“Yeah.” Wade agreed, because at the moment that was the most accurate he could think to describe what just happened.


End file.
